Monday Music

So I thought I knew exactly which song I was going to use today, but at the eleventh hour, I've changed my mind and am going in a totally different direction with this post.

I have Gaga fever.  Sorry U2... Maybe next week.

Now, I know people typically fit into one of two camps: love her or hate her.  Lady Gaga is nothing if not polarizing.  I, for one, am utterly fascinated by her.  I've seen her in concert, downloaded her albums, put her music on repeat, and read every Gaga article and interview and "exposé" I can get my hands on.  But interestingly enough, the more you know about Lady Gaga, the more of an enigma she becomes.

People accuse her of being a fraud and a sell-out.  Some say she's nothing more than a puppet being strung around by her label as a money-making machine.  She's weird, sure.  Really weird.  And no doubt absurdly rich by now.  But I think under the bizarre exterior and dizzying success of Lady Gaga is a lot of heart.  From what I've read, she seems incredibly hard-working, devoted to her art, and truly passionate about what she does.  I find that pretty admirable.

Still from the "Born This Way" video

OK, I'll get off my soap box now.  Why, you ask, are you subjecting me to this Lady Gaga op-ed on a blog that's supposed to be about depression and emotions and stuff?  Well, I've been listening to her new album Born This Way for the last few days, and if I could sum it up in one word, it would be this: positive.  Really, really positive.  So unabashedly positive, in fact, that many critics have given her flak for singing such cheesy, over-the-top, preachy lyrics.  The themes of self-love and acceptance, independence, and freedom in many of the songs are not even a little bit subtle, nor are the lyrics particularly insightful or poignant.  Listening to songs like the eponymous "Born This Way" is like getting a flashing neon sign shoved in your face that says "LOVE YOURSELF!".

But you know what?  I think it works.

Haven't you ever heard that if you're in a bad mood and you just force yourself to smile, as fake and ridiculous as it may seem, your mood will actually improve?  This album is seriously like the auditory version of that strategy.  Corny but effective.

And I haven't even gotten to the actual music yet... Those hooks!  Those beats!  Pure, delicious pop.  Almost every song on the album is upbeat and ridiculously catchy.  You would have to be comatose not to want to sing along and strut around and dance -- even if only in the privacy of your own apartment, à la Wemmy.

So here's one of my favorite songs from the album, "Marry the Night," for your listening pleasure, and a few choice lyrics:

I'm gonna marry the night
I won't give up on my life
I'm a warrior queen
Live passionately tonight

I'm a soldier to my own emptiness
I'm a winner

I'm gonna marry the night
I'm not gonna cry anymore
I'm gonna marry the night
Leave nothin' on these streets to explore
 
Love is the new
Denim or black

Back on the Wagon

I apologize for being MIA lately.  My fledgling little blog definitely hasn't just "slipped my mind"; to the contrary, I've been quite aware that I missed both of my scheduled posts this week.  I know that if I ever want to build a successful blog I have to be consistent.  (By the way, to my four new/first followers, thanks!  I'm truly honored that you've found my posts so far to be interesting enough to follow.)

Truth is, I've slipped into a bit of... a funk, I guess.  Not a depression... At least, I don't think so?  Depression is tricky in that it's so NOT black and white.  Between "being depressed" and "not being depressed" lies a huge emotionally gray area.  I guess the label isn't all that important.  What's important is recognizing that things aren't going well and resolving to do something about it.

I celebrated my graduation from UVa on the Sunday before last and had a fantastic weekend with my family.  The weather was beautiful, the food was delicious, and logistically, it ended up not being nearly as chaotic as I had anticipated.  Initially I felt pretty ambivalent about attending the ceremonies and planned to forgo the pomp and circumstance altogether, but my family seemed so excited about coming to cheer me on that I decided, what the hell, why not celebrate.  And in retrospect, I'm glad that I chose to savor the accomplishment (as imperfectly as I accomplished it) instead of minimizing it away.

Grads ascending the Rotunda to process down UVa's Lawn

Grad portrait of me, by me

Unfortunately, in the days after graduation I found myself seemingly inexplicably on the verge of tears all the time.  My therapist told me it seemed like I was experiencing an "amplified day after Christmas" effect -- that empty "now what?" feeling you have when you look around after a whirlwind of excitement and everyone is packed up and gone and all you're left with are pictures and a few gifts and a longing for the good times to go on forever.  I think that was part of it.  I think the other part of it was that graduation was like the symbolic "end of an era" -- it finally really, really sunk in that the college chapter of my life was over and that I have to face the demands of a new, even more challenging chapter.  And that big, mean, negative voice inside that I'm constantly fighting keeps telling me: "You're not ready, you're going to fail, you're inadequate, you won't make it in the world."

It's those negative, maladaptive automatic thoughts that bring me down.  I've really only been able to identify and challenge them in the last few years, which is a powerful thing to practice, but it's hard.  Sometimes I feel like I'm literally having a mental tug of war.  For example, when I was walking down the Lawn in my cap and gown, with thousands of happy people cheering all around me, there were some incredibly intrusive thoughts running around my brain: "Look at you, walking the Lawn all by yourself, you don't have anyone to sit with because you sucked at college and all of your friends already graduated, you look like such a loser..."  And the more reasonable part of me would interrupt: "So what if I graduated a semester late, so what if I had to re-take a few classes, I earned this just as much as anyone else here, no one even notices that I'm not with a group..."  If thoughts like these weren't so potentially damaging to my mood, it would seriously be comical sometimes what goes on up there.

Another example: Last night I was reading this blog, Hyperbole and a Half, which I personally find hysterical (as do 52,725 other people, apparently).  The girl who writes and illustrates the blog is clearly talented (I mean, she has a book deal now), and I couldn't help but feel a tinge of jealousy that I couldn't come up with such a fun, off-beat, unique blog idea, and so the negative thoughts began: "This is what people want to read, not boring depression crap, you need to lighten up and stop taking everything so seriously, why can't you have a better sense of humor and be more charismatic, you will never be successful..."  And on and on, until I finally squashed that voice (for now) by convincing myself: "I am who I am, and that's all I can ever be.  If I'm authentic and true to myself, things will work out and I'll feel successful, regardless of stats or followers or other people's opinions in any area of my life."

Illustration from Hyperbole and a Half, and how I feel sometimes when I consider my future...

This has definitely been my most personal blog post to date, and I'm hesitant to share all of this (especially now that I know real, live people might actually read it, haha), but I've made a commitment to fight the stigma of mental illness so here I am, putting all of my "crazy" out there.  Writing this has actually been cathartic, in a way.  I feel like I'm "back on the wagon," ready to push past this God-forsaken inertia that I've been stuck in for days and continue on in my quest to live the best life I can.  Are you with me?