Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Monday Music

So I thought I knew exactly which song I was going to use today, but at the eleventh hour, I've changed my mind and am going in a totally different direction with this post.

I have Gaga fever.  Sorry U2... Maybe next week.


Now, I know people typically fit into one of two camps: love her or hate her.  Lady Gaga is nothing if not polarizing.  I, for one, am utterly fascinated by her.  I've seen her in concert, downloaded her albums, put her music on repeat, and read every Gaga article and interview and "exposé" I can get my hands on.  But interestingly enough, the more you know about Lady Gaga, the more of an enigma she becomes.

People accuse her of being a fraud and a sell-out.  Some say she's nothing more than a puppet being strung around by her label as a money-making machine.  She's weird, sure.  Really weird.  And no doubt absurdly rich by now.  But I think under the bizarre exterior and dizzying success of Lady Gaga is a lot of heart.  From what I've read, she seems incredibly hard-working, devoted to her art, and truly passionate about what she does.  I find that pretty admirable.

Still from the "Born This Way" video

OK, I'll get off my soap box now.  Why, you ask, are you subjecting me to this Lady Gaga op-ed on a blog that's supposed to be about depression and emotions and stuff?  Well, I've been listening to her new album Born This Way for the last few days, and if I could sum it up in one word, it would be this: positive.  Really, really positive.  So unabashedly positive, in fact, that many critics have given her flak for singing such cheesy, over-the-top, preachy lyrics.  The themes of self-love and acceptance, independence, and freedom in many of the songs are not even a little bit subtle, nor are the lyrics particularly insightful or poignant.  Listening to songs like the eponymous "Born This Way" is like getting a flashing neon sign shoved in your face that says "LOVE YOURSELF!".

But you know what?  I think it works.

Haven't you ever heard that if you're in a bad mood and you just force yourself to smile, as fake and ridiculous as it may seem, your mood will actually improve?  This album is seriously like the auditory version of that strategy.  Corny but effective.

And I haven't even gotten to the actual music yet... Those hooks!  Those beats!  Pure, delicious pop.  Almost every song on the album is upbeat and ridiculously catchy.  You would have to be comatose not to want to sing along and strut around and dance -- even if only in the privacy of your own apartment, à la Wemmy.

So here's one of my favorite songs from the album, "Marry the Night," for your listening pleasure, and a few choice lyrics:

I'm gonna marry the night
I won't give up on my life
I'm a warrior queen
Live passionately tonight


I'm a soldier to my own emptiness
I'm a winner

I'm gonna marry the night
I'm not gonna cry anymore
I'm gonna marry the night
Leave nothin' on these streets to explore
 

Love is the new
Denim or black


Thursday, June 2, 2011

Back on the Wagon

I apologize for being MIA lately.  My fledgling little blog definitely hasn't just "slipped my mind"; to the contrary, I've been quite aware that I missed both of my scheduled posts this week.  I know that if I ever want to build a successful blog I have to be consistent.  (By the way, to my four new/first followers, thanks!  I'm truly honored that you've found my posts so far to be interesting enough to follow.)

Truth is, I've slipped into a bit of... a funk, I guess.  Not a depression... At least, I don't think so?  Depression is tricky in that it's so NOT black and white.  Between "being depressed" and "not being depressed" lies a huge emotionally gray area.  I guess the label isn't all that important.  What's important is recognizing that things aren't going well and resolving to do something about it.

I celebrated my graduation from UVa on the Sunday before last and had a fantastic weekend with my family.  The weather was beautiful, the food was delicious, and logistically, it ended up not being nearly as chaotic as I had anticipated.  Initially I felt pretty ambivalent about attending the ceremonies and planned to forgo the pomp and circumstance altogether, but my family seemed so excited about coming to cheer me on that I decided, what the hell, why not celebrate.  And in retrospect, I'm glad that I chose to savor the accomplishment (as imperfectly as I accomplished it) instead of minimizing it away.

Grads ascending the Rotunda to process down UVa's Lawn

Grad portrait of me, by me

Unfortunately, in the days after graduation I found myself seemingly inexplicably on the verge of tears all the time.  My therapist told me it seemed like I was experiencing an "amplified day after Christmas" effect -- that empty "now what?" feeling you have when you look around after a whirlwind of excitement and everyone is packed up and gone and all you're left with are pictures and a few gifts and a longing for the good times to go on forever.  I think that was part of it.  I think the other part of it was that graduation was like the symbolic "end of an era" -- it finally really, really sunk in that the college chapter of my life was over and that I have to face the demands of a new, even more challenging chapter.  And that big, mean, negative voice inside that I'm constantly fighting keeps telling me: "You're not ready, you're going to fail, you're inadequate, you won't make it in the world."

It's those negative, maladaptive automatic thoughts that bring me down.  I've really only been able to identify and challenge them in the last few years, which is a powerful thing to practice, but it's hard.  Sometimes I feel like I'm literally having a mental tug of war.  For example, when I was walking down the Lawn in my cap and gown, with thousands of happy people cheering all around me, there were some incredibly intrusive thoughts running around my brain: "Look at you, walking the Lawn all by yourself, you don't have anyone to sit with because you sucked at college and all of your friends already graduated, you look like such a loser..."  And the more reasonable part of me would interrupt: "So what if I graduated a semester late, so what if I had to re-take a few classes, I earned this just as much as anyone else here, no one even notices that I'm not with a group..."  If thoughts like these weren't so potentially damaging to my mood, it would seriously be comical sometimes what goes on up there.

Another example: Last night I was reading this blog, Hyperbole and a Half, which I personally find hysterical (as do 52,725 other people, apparently).  The girl who writes and illustrates the blog is clearly talented (I mean, she has a book deal now), and I couldn't help but feel a tinge of jealousy that I couldn't come up with such a fun, off-beat, unique blog idea, and so the negative thoughts began: "This is what people want to read, not boring depression crap, you need to lighten up and stop taking everything so seriously, why can't you have a better sense of humor and be more charismatic, you will never be successful..."  And on and on, until I finally squashed that voice (for now) by convincing myself: "I am who I am, and that's all I can ever be.  If I'm authentic and true to myself, things will work out and I'll feel successful, regardless of stats or followers or other people's opinions in any area of my life."

Illustration from Hyperbole and a Half, and how I feel sometimes when I consider my future...

This has definitely been my most personal blog post to date, and I'm hesitant to share all of this (especially now that I know real, live people might actually read it, haha), but I've made a commitment to fight the stigma of mental illness so here I am, putting all of my "crazy" out there.  Writing this has actually been cathartic, in a way.  I feel like I'm "back on the wagon," ready to push past this God-forsaken inertia that I've been stuck in for days and continue on in my quest to live the best life I can.  Are you with me?

Friday, May 27, 2011

Makes You Think

I don't even remember how or when I first stumbled across this little YouTube gem, but I just re-found it and wanted to share:


So true, isn't it?  We really are shuffled into the rat race at such a young age, reminded constantly that each exam we pass, each grade we finish, each commencement ceremony we attend, is merely a step toward obtaining our dream life.  And this becomes such an ingrained piece of our psyche that we look back and suddenly all of those years spent preparing for the future seem like one big blur.

Well, maybe we didn't all experience that, but I sure did.

I told myself throughout high school and college that if I wasn't happy then, well, it's OK, because once I have my Master's degree and teaching license I will have arrived.  It all seemed like some shining mecca in my future, a place where I'd wake up every morning and feel confident, at peace, and like I knew exactly what I was doing.  Well, I have those pieces of paper now, and here's the thing: I'm still the same person I was all along, complete with all of my fears and insecurities and baggage.  I've reached that shining mecca, and come to the realization that all the credentials in the world won't make life any less complicated.

Because now... The real work begins.  The painstaking résumé revisions.  The terrifying job search process.  The anxiety-provoking interviews.  And if I'm lucky, the day-to-day stress of managing a classroom of students and getting through to each and every one of them and being evaluated on a high-stakes and regular basis.

The sad reality of my future career?  Yikes.

Don't get me wrong -- I still want to be a teacher.  I've wanted to be a teacher for almost as long as I can remember, and I firmly believe that despite the stress, teaching will be fulfilling and rewarding for me.  And let's be real -- some amount of stress would be an inevitability of any job worth having.  I'm just no longer naïve enough to think that obtaining anything - a job, a husband, a baby, a flatter stomach, etc. - will suddenly flip a switch, bring everything into focus, and give me that perfect dream life I always assumed was on the horizon.  Life is messy, unpredictable, and scary - regardless of where you are in your life - but it is certainly punctuated with beautiful moments.  What I've learned is that if you're constantly waiting for some event or person or piece of paper to change your life, you'll be disappointed, disillusioned, and miss out on all of the wonderful things that happen along the way.  I wish I knew long ago that the best way to ensure happiness for myself was to live mindfully and savor the process, instead of wishing that I could get it over with and get on with my life.  What I failed to comprehend at the time was that every imperfect day I was living... That was - and is - my life.

I hope that I can find some way to teach that to my students.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Wednesday Wisdom

Along the same lines as my "Monday Music" feature, I've decided to start a new weekly feature spotlighting some of my favorite quotations.  I truly believe that acquiring a collection of meaningful music and quotations is a great way to build up a layer of defense against depression.  In fact, I have a whole playlist on iTunes simply called "Happy," from which I've handpicked all of the songs I've featured so far on this blog.  Similarly, I have a Word document tucked away on my laptop containing quotations that I've come across that I find inspiring, motivating, and uplifting.  I always get a little thrill when I find a quotation that really speaks to me.  Taking a few moments to ponder snippets of wisdom amidst the demands and rush of everyday life allows me to center myself and ask: Am I living this?

So without further ado, I give you the first of (hopefully) many bits of Wemmy's Wednesday Wisdom, straight from a magnet on my fridge:

Via Quotable Cards

This quote is comforting for someone like me, who has struggled with excessively demanding and counterproductive perfectionism for as long as I can remember.  When I perceive that I've failed in some way - and this could be as stupid and trivial as not completing a scheduled workout, or not washing my face before I go to bed - it's unbelievably hard for me to start anew, to put it behind me and not let said "failure" bog me down.  The internal dialogue that ensues often borders on the absurd (a fact that I'm typically only able to discern later): "Ew, I didn't wash my face last night, now I feel disgusting... I'll have to spend an extra long time in the shower this morning scrubbing my face and I just don't have the energy... Ugh, I look terrible... I can't risk seeing someone I know at Teeter so forget running errands..."  And if this is the mental haranguing I endure for something as insignificant as not washing my face one night, imagine how I feel when I haven't exercised in months, or when I've put off applying for that job for weeks.  (Not trying to drum up sympathy here; just attempting to illustrate the inner workings of my dysfunctional mind.) 

I'm definitely still learning how NOT to constantly be at the mercy of my automatic thoughts -- how to command that obnoxiously large, stubborn "elephant."  Today's quote helps me shut those thoughts up, or at least become more aware of how silly they are.  No one, myself included, can live a perfect day-to-day existence, so why should I hold myself to some impossibly high standard?  What I can do is live mindfully and in the moment.  I can do my best today while forgiving myself for yesterday's "old nonsense."

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Monday (Er, Tuesday) Music

Sorry for the delay in posting... I know all of my loyal fans out there have been anxiously anticipating this week's edition of feel-good music.  Ha!  On a serious note, though, I gotta say... My blog's lack of readership really doesn't bother me at this point, because I know that that's something I have to cultivate... And I haven't quite had the courage yet to advertise my musings.  I'm still kind of testing the blogosphere waters, so to speak.  Putting myself out there slowly but surely.  Part of why I started this blog is because I passionately believe that those of us who struggle with mental health issues shouldn't feel ashamed.  I was hell-bent for years on hiding my issues with depression.  Simply starting this blog, displaying my picture, and allowing it to be accessible to anyone who stumbles upon it has been a pretty big step for me.  Actively letting people know about it?  That can come later.

Anyway... On to the purpose of today's post: happy music!  If you check out my first three "Monday Music" posts, you'll notice that the artists I featured all happened to be British (which was totally unintentional on my part).  Now it seems that I'm stuck in a country music phase.  Last week was Keith Urban, week before that was Martina McBride, and this week I want to spotlight a pretty little song by Kenny Chesney: "I'm Alive."  (At least it features Dave Matthews, right?)

This song is so soothing it's almost like a lullaby, and the lyrics are a poignant reminder to be grateful.  If you're reading this blog, chances are you're incredibly lucky compared to the millions of nameless, faceless people we all know exist in this world without food, clean water, adequate clothing and shelter, access to health care, a safe/stable living environment... I could go on.  When I'm distraught over something that seems like a very real problem to me at the time (awful traffic, broken cell phone, five-pound weight gain) I try to remember to put it into perspective.  I couldn't say it better than Mr. Chesney: "Today, you know, that's good enough for me... Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see... Today's the first day of the rest of my life... I'm alive and well."  The rest of the lyrics are just as lovely and insightful:

So damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me I’d like to thank my lucky stars that
I’m alive and well

It'd be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I’m alive

Stars are dancin’ on the water here tonight
It’s good for the soul when there’s not a soul in sight
This boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I’m alive and well


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Taming the Elephant

Robert Pattinson & Reese Witherspoon with the real star of Water for Elephants: Tai, the beautiful Asian elephant!

Read an interesting article on WebMD today called "Choosing to be Happy -- Strategies for Happiness: 7 Steps to Becoming a Happier Person."  Sometimes I think WebMD articles can be a bit bland, but this one was actually pretty insightful -- and featured a psychologist from my very own alma mater, UVa!  Basically, the premise of the article is that - despite the oft-repeated adage that happiness is like a butterfly that will "come and sit softly on your shoulder" if you stop chasing it - happiness is better described as a goal that some of us can only achieve if we actively make it a priority in our lives.  Here are the main points of the article, not all of which are no-brainers:

1. Each of us has a baseline level of happiness, which means that some people are naturally happier than others.  All is not lost, however, because despite a low level of innate happiness, each of us has the power to raise our happiness level if we're willing to put in a little work.

2. Once you've set an intention to be happy, it's a good idea to start thinking more about what you're grateful for.  Cultivating an attitude of gratitude has been shown to be a powerful anti-depressant.

3. Stop ruminating!  Rumination - which I think of as an automatic cycle of bad thoughts - is described in the article as the "mental health bad boy."  One way to quell rumination is to force yourself to stop holding grudges and to actively try to become a more forgiving person.

4. Remind yourself that money/material possessions will NOT make you happy.  You'd think this one is obvious, but during particularly unhappy and stressful periods of my life I have often been obsessed with buying anything and everything -- because I think at a subconscious level I assumed that acquiring new things would make me feel better.  Self-medicating at its most expensive and credit-hurting.

5. Take time to strengthen old friendships and foster new ones.  Close friendships have been shown to be one of the very best antidotes to depression.  It always amazes me that despite my initial resistance toward being social - and having to overcome that ever-persistent inertia - when I get together with close friends I almost always leave feeling 10x happier than I was when I got there. 

6. Engage in meaningful activities, otherwise known as "active leisure" (i.e. NOT watching TV).   This is a tough one for me.  I've spent sooo much time napping/mindlessly internet-ing over the years I sometimes feels like I've forgotten what really makes me tick, what makes me feel like I'm "in the flow."  According to the article, it is important to cultivate these activities.

7. My favorite, courtesy of UVa professor Jon Haidt: Think of controlling your mind as riding an elephant.  The elephant represents the extremely powerful thoughts and feelings that drive your behavior.  Although you are much smaller and weaker than the elephant, it is still within your power to control it -- if you train it well.  You can learn to control your mind - and more importantly, your depression - by first becoming keenly aware of your thoughts, which are surprisingly often on auto-pilot.  The article recommends practicing meditation or yoga to help you become more in-touch with your thoughts.  Then, once you become better at identifying negative thoughts - which can quickly spiral out of control into destructive rumination - you can challenge and counteract them, nipping them in the bud.  I've done a little work with this in the past, and I truly think it's an incredibly powerful way to lift your mood on a continual basis.

Now, all of this is certainly easier said than done, but I think the article does a good job of providing starting points for achieving each of these steps toward happiness.  Although this is only the most current wave of thought regarding happiness, I tend to agree with everything that was said here.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: Anyone who struggles regularly with depression will only find happiness through action.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Monday Music

My happy song for today, "Days Go By," comes from country artist Keith Urban.  This song truly makes me wish I were driving down a country road in the summertime with the top down (of my imaginary convertible, haha).  It's a fun, upbeat reminder to live mindfully and in the moment instead of focusing on what has already happened or what will happen.  We need to make sure that we're not overlooking and rushing through the most important part of our lives: right now.  I think he says it best in this line: "We think about tomorrow, then it slips away... We talk about forever, but we've only got today."  Here are some of the other particularly good lyrics:

I'm changin' lanes and talkin' on the phone
Drivin' way too fast

The interstate's jammed with gunners like me
Afraid of comin' in last

But somewhere in the race we run
We're coming undone

Days go by
I can feel 'em flyin'
Like a hand out the window in the wind

The cars go by
Yeah, it's all we've been given
So you better start livin' right now

Out on the roof just the other night
I watched the world flash by

Headlights, tail lights
Runnin' through a river of neon signs
But somewhere in the rush I felt
We're losing ourselves

So take 'em by the hand
They're yours and mine
Take 'em by the hand
And live your life
Take 'em by the hand
Don't let 'em all fly by

Monday, May 2, 2011

Monday Music

As promised last Monday, this week I'm featuring an undeniably American song (which couldn't come at a more apropos moment, seeing as our nation is jubilant today): "Happy Girl" by country singer Martina McBride.  This is one of those songs that is just bursting at the seams with utterly contagious happiness.  In it, McBride sings of overcoming a negative outlook and embracing life in all its complexity ("Laugh when I feel like it, cry when I feel like it, that's just how my life is...").  Simply becoming "a happy girl," however, is admittedly much easier said than done; as anyone who has ever been depressed knows all too well, depression is not something that you can just "snap out of."  McBride does give one piece of advice for overcoming depression when she sings: "Now every time I start to feel like that, I roll my heart out like a welcome mat."  To me, that speaks to inviting new people and experiences into your life instead of retreating and withdrawing into depression.  You have a choice.  What other people do and say is out of your control, but the way you respond and live your life is completely up to you -- and that is a powerful thing to realize.  Here are some other noteworthy lyrics:

I used to live in a darkened room
Had a face of stone
And a heart of gloom
Lost my hope, I was so far gone
Crying all my tears
With the curtains drawn
I didn't know until my soul broke free
I've got these angels watching over me

Oh, watch me go
I'm a happy girl
Everybody knows
That the sweetest thing that you'll ever see
In the whole wide world
Is a happy girl


I used to hide in a party crowd
Bottled up inside
Feeling so left out
Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes
With my frozen smile
And my lighted fuse
 

And I've come to know
That the world won't change
Just 'cause I complain

Let the axis twirl
I'm a happy girl



(Sorry for the not-so-great video... Sadly there was never a real music video made for this song.)

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Climbing the Mountain

So, in my ongoing quest to make myself a more well-rounded, happier, and generally better person, I pushed myself (and my boyfriend) yesterday to do something a little different with our afternoon... Hiking!  Charlottesville, I've been told, is chock full of great hiking trails that I had taken advantage of approximately one time since starting at the University of Virginia almost six years ago.  (Better late than never, right?)  Despite my extremely limited knowledge of outdoorsy opportunities, I had heard of Humpback Rock before; it seems to be kind of like the quintessential Charlottesville hiking trail, probably because it leads to such a breathtakingly beautiful summit.

The hike up is only one mile but felt much longer due to the steep incline.  Sweat was pouring down my face and I had to stop a couple times to catch my breath.  Nothing like a rocky, uphill trail to remind you how out of shape you are.  (I'm working on it...)  But, as is usually the case, the tough part didn't last forever... And then we were rewarded with sunny skies, a nice breeze, and a huge rock on which we could rest and take in the awesome views of the Rockfish and Shenandoah Valleys.

Honing my photography skills from the summit

And how did I feel afterwards?  Refreshed and accomplished.  Which makes me wonder... Why does it take me so long to do these things, anyway?  Inertia, I suppose.  And the energy it takes to force myself out of my comfort zone.  More than anything else, depression saps my energy.  But more and more, I'm finding that pushing past the inertia and getting out there to do things (even things as uninteresting as running errands) has a powerful and lasting effect on my energy reserve.  More so than any antidepressant I've ever taken (and without any of the annoying side effects).  But my feelings on antidepressants are another story for another day.  I'll leave you with a picture from the hike that sums up my feelings on the experience:

Success!  Wemmy made it!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Pets are the Best

Seraphina, my ten-month-old kitten, is curled up next to me right now, an eight-pound ball of calico fluff snoozing peacefully away.  I've had her for a little over three months now; my boyfriend got her for me from the SPCA as one of my Christmas presents.  I had been stalking the SPCA website for several months prior to that, googly-eyed over the adorable animals, obsessed with the idea of getting a pet.  I have a one-bedroom apartment (that actually doesn't allow dogs or cats, whoops...) so a dog was really out of the question.  I figured that a cat might be do-able, though -- small, quiet, and strictly indoor.  And so far, so good.  The only damage Phina has done is to my couch (which she has clearly decided is the only acceptable scratching post).  And although she is actually quite vocal, I'm pretty sure that her expressive mewing isn't actually audible outside my apartment.

But with a little cat comes big responsibility, let me tell you.  In the relatively short period of time that I've had her, I've spent hundreds of dollars on food, kitty litter, toys, and (primarily) vet bills.  She's just recently gotten over a ringworm infection that landed her in the vet every week for a month for medicated baths (after which she had to air dry all day with a cone on her head).  And before that, I had to give her an oral antibiotic (which she hated) twice a day for a couple weeks to treat a fever and poor appetite.  This was no easy task.  I had to wrap her up in a towel like a kitty-burrito and force the medicine in her mouth as she squirmed and cried and buried her head.  It was torture.  But, we got through it, and she finally seems to be thriving.

The reason I'm sharing all of this, however, is because I've come to the realization that for someone who struggles with chronic, mild to moderate depression (as I have for years), having a pet can be a real mood-lifter.  Not only is Phina cute and quirky and fun to take pictures of, but she is also a real, living, breathing thing that depends on me for, well, everything.  And if I do a good job, I reap the benefits of having a furry companion who shows me affection and follows me around my home and makes me chuckle with her antics.  Don't get me wrong, I haven't exactly reveled in shoveling out money to make her healthy, but it certainly has made me become more invested in the well-being of this creature.  The ample time I've spent transporting her to and from the vet and attempting to squirt medicine into her mouth and researching anything and everything about cat behavior online would have otherwise been spent doing, well, what exactly?  Probably nothing productive.  Napping, most likely.  Or mindlessly perusing celebrity gossip blogs.  At this point in my life, as I flounder anxiously between finishing college and starting a full-time job, having a pet to take care of has given me something very tangible to focus my energy on and a resultant sense of accomplishment.  And as anyone who has ever been depressed knows, feeling like you've accomplished even the smallest task can sometimes feel like a pretty big deal.

Seraphina.  Pretty cute, huh?

Monday, April 25, 2011

Monday Music

Somehow this past week has gotten away from me and it's already time again for my weekly lyrics post.  I'm glad that I came up with the "Monday Music" feature (despite its super boring title) because it keeps me coming back at least somewhat regularly to blog.  (Maybe I should think of another weekly feature?)  So, without further ado, I present to you (all my thousands of loyal readers, ha... ha...) the third "Monday Music" song selection: "Strip Me," by Natasha Bedingfield.

No, not as naughty as it sounds.  It's really about one person's ability to have seemingly everything taken away from her and still be able to express herself to make a difference.  I think it also speaks to the virtues of living simply (something I'm making more of an effort to do these days) -- how we can get rid of so much extraneous stuff our lives and still be OK, because what really matters (our thoughts, our feelings, our souls, our voices, etc.) are still intact.  I heard this song in the movie Morning Glory (decent movie, adorable Rachel McAdams) and liked the melody right away, so, as is often the case, I did a little Googling to find the lyrics.  Natasha Bedingfield seems to gravitate toward writing happy, inspirational songs (think: "Unwritten" and "Pocketful of Sunshine") and "Strip Me" is no exception.  It'll leave you feeling empowered and energized.  Take a look at some of the lyrics:

Every day I fight for all my future somethings
A thousand little wars I have to choose between
I could spend a lifetime earning things that I don't need
But that's like chasing rainbows and coming home empty

And if you strip me, strip it all away
If you strip me, what would you find
If you strip me, strip it all away
I'll be alright

Take what you want, steal my pride
Build me up or cut me down to size
Shut me out but I'll just scream
I'm only one voice in a million
But you ain't taking that from me
 


I don't need a microphone
To say what I've been thinking
My heart is like a loudspeaker
That's always on eleven


'Cause when it all boils down at the end of the day
It's what you do and say that makes you who you are

Makes you think about it,
doesn't it
Sometimes all it takes is one voice


(Just realizing now that all of the artists I've featured so far have been British!  Even the coach on my workout podcasts!  Weird, and completely unintentional.  Thinking of some real, good ol', down home country American music I can use next week...)

 

Monday, April 18, 2011

Monday Music

This past week I've been contemplating which lyrics I wanted to spotlight today, and although I came up with several good options, I decided to go with Leona Lewis' song "Happy."  I've adored this song from the moment I first heard it (on perezhilton.com, I'm ashamed to admit, but oh well).   Not only is her voice stunningly beautiful, but the lyrics in this song are a compelling reminder that no matter what life throws at you, it is within your power to make the best of it and find your own personal happiness.  We each have the ability to live in the moment and to constantly challenge ourselves to step outside of our comfort zones.  Here are some of my favorite lyrics:

I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me
So what it I break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground
 

I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I'm just trying to be happy


Holding on tightly
Just can’t let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear

But all these days
They feel like they’re the same
Just different faces
Different names

Get me out of here

So any turns that I can't see
I'll become a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything


Saturday, April 16, 2011

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going

Cliché post title, I know, but when you really stop to think about it... Isn't it true?  There's a reason certain expressions become trite and overused and stand the test of time: Because usually, they're right.

Anyway, as you may have surmised from the title, things have been kind of tough for me lately.  I always feel a little guilty for complaining about my life at all, because I am acutely aware that compared to many, many, many people, I've got it made.  I remind myself of this whenever I find that I'm stuck in self-pitying tunnel vision and need a good, swift kick of reality to the butt.

That being said, I don't think that being relatively lucky in life means that I'm obligated to minimize any and all feelings of sadness or anxiety I ever have about the way things are going.  Even the luckiest of us don't wake up to rainbows and butterflies every morning.  I won't go into great detail, but there are a few areas of my life that have been causing me quite a bit of distress lately.  And although I may sometimes feel like I'm floundering, I'm determined to keep my head above water.  Which brings me to the piece about how "the tough get going."  I'm getting going, literally.  By starting The Couch to 5K Plan!

That's right, Wemmy here is exercising for the first time in a looong time.  Every fiber of my being rejects the idea of working out these days, but I'm forcing myself to do it because - shocker! - I feel so accomplished and alive and generally happier once I'm done.  I found these great, free podcasts on iTunes that make the workouts feel a lot easier.  The "coach" has a cute British accent and the songs they play during the intervals are fun and upbeat.  I'm definitely a fan.  And more importantly, I really am proud of myself for "getting going" in the face of a tough situation, when it would be all too easy to retreat and wallow in sadness.  I've found that the absolute best antidote to depression is simply doing something It can feel unimaginably hard to take that first step, but you just gotta do it, one step at a time.

Requisite motivational running picture

Monday, April 11, 2011

Monday Music

Sometimes there's nothing more uplifting and inspiring than meaningful song lyrics. I stumbled across the song "Wonderful" by Gary Go when I was watching a trailer for Disneynature's movie Oceans (which looks awesome, by the way)I immediately loved the melody but didn't know how great the lyrics were until I searched for them later online.  Here are a few that really struck a chord with me:

The person that you were has died
You've lost the sparkle in your eyes
You fell for life into its traps
Now you wanna bridge the gaps
Now you want that person back

And all your ammunition's gone
Run out of fuel to carry on
You don't know what you wanna do
You've got no pull to pull you through 

Say "I am," say "I am"
Say "I am wonderful"

If what you've lost cannot be found
And the weight of the world weighs you down
No longer with the will to fly
You stop to let it pass you by
Don't stop to let it pass you by
You've gotta look yourself in the eye

'Cause we are all miracles
Wrapped up in chemicals
We are incredible
Don't take it for granted, no...